It was Monday night Kenny was missing in the train yard horns were blaring and bright lights were shining on figure that was about to get ran over. It was Friday night Kenny was going out for a good time in the bar with is train yard buddies. They got a few drinks in them and all of the train workers started to tell stories about weird things at the train yard.
Timmy was at the train yard he was running towards the switch to let a cargo car go on another track. The switch got jammed and the car was starting to tip towards him but some flash of whiteness pushed him out of the way and the car slammed on the ground making the ground shake violently. Timmy was a chubby man he was heavy on his feet and no wind could push him out of the way it could have been the train yard Mistress.
Kenny was heading to work he was walking down the train tracks. He is a skinny man and he didn’t like to work. He wished he was paranormal investigator but he couldn't get into it because he needed to get sleep or he would be sick. It was Monday night I was standing on the top of the bridge over looking the train yard and the white flash turned in to a person and got ran over by the train. Kenny had a power to see ghost in people form.
you need to work on commas man. Also description needs to be a little better. We were supposed to write in third person too.
ReplyDeleteIts cool though.
I like your introductory sentence, and how it was from the end of the story and then the story led up to that. It made it very exciting.
ReplyDeleteYou could have described the setting a little more in depth.
Sorry Derek, but I don't understand any of your story. I think the story was a pretty good main idea though, just needs a little work.
ReplyDeleteYou need to work on sentence placement. Your sentences where all over the place and your story didn't work. It was still cool.
ReplyDeleteGood idea but it was confusing you need to use commas, and it was all so mushed together Kenny was doing this then Bob was doing that and it was hard to understand.
ReplyDeleteIt was very confusing and need alittle work but it is a good idea
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the comments!
ReplyDeleteYour story was kind of confusing but you have good ideas.
ReplyDelete